About eight years ago I was having dinner with married friends and my at-the-time-boyfriend. We were talking about how hard it is to be married, what the day-to-day life can really be like, and how the relationship can suffer. Suddenly the wife of the couple blurted out, “Well! It’s just not my time right now! I have two small boys, I don’t get to do anything for myself and it’s just not my time right now. I just have to accept that.”
As I slowly inched away from her. I remember thinking, “What on earth is she talking about? It’s her life, it’s always her life, no matter what she’s doing. Doesn’t she know that?”
Oh the joys of judging others when we have no idea what we’re talking about. Ignorance is bliss I guess.
Cut to: the other day I found myself staring at my larger sized body, my messy hair, my lack of make-up and thinking, “It’s OK. My life is just on hold right now. I’ll get back to all this stuff when the kids are older.”
Have you ever had one of those moments of tunnel vision when you hear yourself say something, but it’s almost like it didn’t come from you? That’s what that was like. I heard the words in my head, and then realized that I had actually heard them somewhere else almost eight years ago. But when I heard them before, they were coming from a disgruntled, exhausted young mother. So I couldn’t possibly have said the same thing, right? Oh…no.
Terrific.
I’ve actually been living this way. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. I run past mirrors thinking that if I don’t look, it can’t possibly be that bad. On the days when I work from home, I don’t get dressed — you know, because why expend the precious energy? I need that energy for so many other things that are much more important.
Besides, who’s going to see me?
Oh, and the baby weight? See, I can blame that on the fact that I can’t lose weight and breastfeed at the same time. I love how convenient that is for me. Donut anyone?
But it’s not just about my physical appearance — though that’s a large part of it. It’s about this “Someday” thing. You know, the idea that I’ll get to me Someday.
The problem is, the last time I checked, someday wasn’t actually on any calendar. There is a Monday, and a Tuesday…and that goes all the way to Sunday. But I have yet to see a Someday.
Is that all I’m worth to myself? Thinking that I’ll get to myself one distant day off in the future that doesn’t really exist? Running by mirrors and wearing sweatpants every day because “right now” doesn’t count? Right now isn’t “real” because I’m taking care of other things. These days don’t really matter.
Um, excuse me?
Who do I think I’m kidding here? These are my days. These are the days that I used to dream about when I was little. I have my beautiful house, my handsome husband, my wonderful kids — I even use all the Christmas ornaments I collected for far too long. This is it.
And still, I wait for someday.
Well, I’ve decided to declare today to be Someday. It’s here. “Not my time” my foot. These days are just as real and as relevant as the days when I was living abroad, studying for exams, dancing on bars (I really have to stop saying that out loud) or spending my paycheck on clothes for myself instead of laundry detergent, life insurance and property taxes. This is it.
So with that my friends, I am taking the first step. This is not a small step for me, as we all know I have a hard time losing weight.
But, I think this is the first step to help me remember that I am still in here. I matter. This life I lead every day is real – it’s not a fog, it’s not something I’m just going to survive. No more of that.
In the next month or so, I will be posting pictures of myself – yes, I said that – front and back as I start this journey. I don’t know what I weigh now, but my ending weight will be 125. I love that number, and it’s when I feel my best. (Click here to watch Sarah’s wieght loss journey!)
I’m doing this now, and I’m doing it fully because I want to wake myself up, scare myself a little bit and well, take you all on the journey with me. I’m sure I’m not the only one who just realized that life is happening right now. And, I’ll be accountable to you, all of our Better Way Moms. A Better Way Biggest Loser, if you will. For those of you that would like to join me, feel free. I’ll be posting my progress as this goes along.
After all, no one ever says on her deathbed, “I’m so glad I ran around like a crazy person and ignored my own needs.”
Here’s to making this time our time.
Author: Sarah
Thanks to everyone following our Mom-Stuff Blog Tour. Visit Better Way Moms Make comments, make tweets, invite friends, tell your friends about how much fun we are having. If you have a blog you want us to visit, let me know at dianne@mom-stuff.com
See you tomorrow, Dianne
P.S. Visit Mom-Stuff for your Valentine ideas. If you have kids who want to make Classmate Valentines we have some easy fun patterns for you. We have added some really fun hair clips to make for your girls hairstyles. Young girls can make these their selves. Check them out at mom-stuff. The Wright Hair Blog is posting hairstyles with these. We call these Rockin Bobbie Pins. ENJOY
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